Back again… September 22, 2018

Its been 2.5 years since I last posted anything here. I am not even sure what prompted me to visit my blog again to be honest.  A lot has happened in 2.5 yrs….. a  new job, P started kindergarten, my BFF moved 3 hours away, house Renos , family vacations and another loss.

Almost a year after my early miscarriage I found myself surprisingly pregnant naturally again.  We were cautiously excited for 3 days but then I had some really painful cramping and the next day the bleeding started. It was a holiday weekend so we ended up in the ER where I tested really positive for pregnancy but they could not locate a pregnancy in my uterus. They sent me home with orders to come back in 2 days for repeat ultrasound  to see if they could see anything in my uterus then. 1 day later I was in excruciating pain on my right side and the bleeding was still there. Back to the hospital I went where I stayed for 3 days of monitoring . My pregnancy was ectopic and any of the cautious happiness we had quickly fell away to sadness and concern for my health.  I ended up in emergency surgery because my Fallopian tube had burst, I was bleeding internally and the tube had to be removed along with the fetus.

We are approaching the end of our agreed upon timeframe to try and conceive on our own before the husband goes for  a V. He’s turning 40 in a little over a month and I’m now considered “high risk” since I am over 35 years old now.  We decided that we didn’t want to be having babies in our 40s.  I am not sure how I feel about ending this stage of our life yet.

 

 

 

1 in 4. March 24, 2016

It has been more than a year since I have posted or even really visited this blog but here I am now because I need to vent, to speak out, to write down my emotions.  Here I am. 1 in 4.  I am a new statistic. I am no longer just part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility. I am now part of the 1 in 4 women who experience pregnancy loss. I am shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time. I never in a million years thought I would become 1 in 4. Not because I don’t know how common miscarriages are but because I never thought I would conceive naturally. However, by some fluke, twist of fate, cruel joke I got pregnant naturally. On the same day I found out I was pregnant was the same day I found out I was miscarrying. Cruel joke right?  I had been having some unusual breakthrough bleeding since 2 days after my period ended in February and after 8 days of light bleeding/spotting I decided to call my doctor to find out what was going on but I couldn’t get an appointment for another week. The bleeding continued and I was worried that maybe I had a polyp or fibroids or cysts that burst and that I would need some kind of surgery to stop the bleeding. It didn’t even once cross my mind that I might be pregnant. My doctor sent me for a full blood work up and an ultrasound. Imagine my surprise when she called me the very next morning after my blood work to tell me that my beta HCG level was 27 indicating that I was pregnant but because it was pretty low she was concerned that I was miscarrying. I didn’t even know what to say. I was totally shocked.Because of all the bleeding the husband and I had sex ONCE since my last period in February…..how is it possible that after 6 years of struggling to get pregnant on our own we manage to get pregnant in a month were I am randomly bleeding and we have sex once.  Right away I bought a dollar store test that immediately showed positive but I was still bleeding and it was starting to get heavier. The next day the bleeding got really bad and I had minor cramping and I passed a few clots and that is when I was certain that it was over.  My HCG level 6 days later was down to 21 so I have to keep going for blood work weekly until it is back down to 0. I am still bleeding today. It is slowing down but my body hurts. I just ache, especially my hips and legs. I am sure it has to do with the miscarriage. Even though I was only 4 weeks pregnant there has been a lot of blood.  

I am really struggling with my emotions about it all. I didn’t even get a minute to be happy about being pregnant. I know that I am sad. I am also angry. I am angry because now my head is spinning about the fact that we were able to get pregnant on our own and the possibility of it happening again is clouding my brain.  I am thinking about ovulation tests and cycle charting……although I swore I would never get that intense with trying to get pregnant again. We decided we wouldn’t try to prevent it but we wouldn’t seek out fertility treatment again.  I don’t really know how to process everything right now.

All I know is that I am now 1 in 4.

We made to ONE year December 29, 2014

On December 20th @10:23pm my baby girl officially turned 1 year old. To say we have been busy in the last week is an understatement! We had a big party for the birthday girl with family and friends on her birthday. The theme was penguins and the colour scheme was all shades of purple. It was a big hit and P was spoiled rotten. Unfortunately I have ZERO pictures of my own from the party as I was too busy entertaining guests and keeping the guest of honour happy….for those of you with an already turned one baby, you know what I mean.

As I reflect back on the first year of Ps life the best word I can come up with to describe it simply is: CHALLENGING. From IVF conception, to gestational diabetes, to 30 hours of labour, to months on end of colic to a general “spirited” (to put a positive spin on it) disposition, my first time as a mother has been really very challenging. I know they all say that being a parent is the hardest job in the world and I now know it really truly is. The challenges are continuing as we hit the First birthday milestone as well. P has been extra miserable the last few weeks. She is whiney and clingy and will not let me stand up let alone leave the room without her having a complete meltdown. We are currently in the midst of a brutal nap strike. She is refusing to nap at all (we have been on one nap for a few months now already) and will just stand and cry in her crib or sit and cry and eventually fall asleep sitting up and as you can imagine the sleeping doesn’t last long this way. The nap strike is going on two weeks now and it is driving me mental since she is clearly tired at nap time. Oh, she will nap ON ME if I sit in her rocking chair but we have never done that before. She has been napping in her crib for 6+ months now and I am not about to start a napping on me habit when I am going to back to work full time in 2 weeks.

She is also having some pretty bad separation anxiety lately and will not go to anyone else but her Daddy. She has had 3 half days at daycare as introduction days that have not gone well because of the separation anxiety. She basically cried all 3 days for almost the whole 3 hours. She starts full time in a week so hopefully after a week or so of going regularly all day she will adjust and end up loving it (fingers crossed). Christmas was also a challenge this year because Mr. Big Guy had to work night shift both xmas eve and xmas day so there was no one to pass P off to for a break for me but we made it through and had a pretty good time with my parents and sister and her family on christmas day. P enjoyed ripping the wrapping paper and pulling tissue out of bags and in typical one year old fashion wasn’t really interested in the actual present.

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned the Wonder Weeks in my blog but for those parents (especially first time parents) out their reading I am sure you know what I am talking about. If not, google it! There is a wonder week right around the first birthday and I am pretty sure this explains why P is extra miserable lately. That being said she is making leaps and bounds in her development right now as well. The biggest thing for her lately is that she is WALKING. Two days before her first birthday she took her first, second, third and fourth unassisted steps from Mommy to Daddy and ever since then she is walking further and further every day. She is understanding a lot more words as well although she has yet to really say a word with purpose. Mamamama and dadadada are part of her babbling repertoire but I don’t think she really says Mama or Dada on purpose yet. She is obsessed with taking things in and out of cupboards and drawers. At the end of the day my kitchen looks like a tornado hit it. There is always tupperware and pots and pans and pantry items strewn everywhere.

So we made it through year one. It wasn’t pretty but we made it and I am hoping as P becomes more of a little person and less of a baby things will get a bit easier. I love my little P more than I can express but wow am I glad the first year is over….on to year 2….it can’t be worse right???

11 Months and counting… November 21, 2014

Baby P was 11 months old yesterday! I can’t believe how fast time is now flying by. In one month I will have a ONE year old. Two years ago I really never thought I would be able to say that. P has brought so much joy to our lives and many many challenges as well. I love her to bits even on the most challenging days ( today is one of those days). The poor thing has her first cold and is super cranky and won’t nap today. I have a few minutes of down time right now while she drinks a bottle.

I realize it has been two months since my last post so I will do what I did then and list the things that have happened in the last 60 days.

1. Cruising furniture and walking with her walker push toy like a champ.
2. 5 more teeth… 4 of those 5 in an 8 day window ( not fun for mommy and daddy)
3. saying dada although not entirely sure with purpose yet
4. Pointing at things she wants or where she wants to go
5. Waving hello and good bye to everyone
6. having her first cold 😦
7. dancing to music ( she particularly loves Shake It Off and All about that Bass and the songs on Bubble Guppies
8. Moving up to size 4 diapers after leaking 3 nights in a row

I am now in in full party planning mode for her first birthday, trying to get christmas shopping done and doing a countdown to my return to work (52 days eek!!).

Things just got interesting September 16, 2014

We have entered the world of baby gates! Little P had a very busy week last week. In the span of 2 days she figured out how to crawl on her hands and knees (she had been army crawling for about a month) and her front 2 bottom teeth popped through. She is now working on pulling herself up on anything she can manage. She has mastered standing in her crib already and luckily we lowered the crib a few days before she managed to do it. So much has happened with her in the last 2 months I am just going to make a list.

1. Glorious 2 hour naps (not every day though)

2. Nap strikes (she refused her afternoon nap for a week straight and is now hit and miss)

3. Glorious sleep ins ( she has had some days of sleeping in past 8am!)

4. Dreaming/nightmares (she has been crying out in her sleep every night for the last few weeks 3-4 times between 8pm-12am and this makes it really really hard for mama to go to bed and sleep early)

5. Meeting her Auntie V for the first time (She is from NYC and one of my BFFs)

6. Her first boat ride with grandpa for his 60th birthday

7. Eating pasta and absolutely loving it

8. Lots and lots of new babbling sounds (i.e mamamamamama)

9. Being obsessed with shaking anything and everything especially things that make lots of noise

10. CRAWLING

11. TWO TEETH

12. Having a daddy/daughter day while mom went to a beer festival with her friends

13. Pulling herself up on anything she can

14.  Loving to watch Wheel of Fortune (something about that colourful wheel spinning that she loves)

15. Many play dates with her boyfriends M and C

Little P is developing and changing so fast now that I know we will be celebrating her first birthday before we know it! Now that she is crawling I have found it a bit easier to get some things done around the house. I can put her on the kitchen floor with some toys while I cook dinner or clean the dishes and she will happily play and crawl around. I do have to make sure she stays away from the dogs bowls though since she has already tried to eat some kibble! I still can’t leave her sight though or she immediately goes into meltdown mode.

What else has been happening in my life lately? Not a whole lot. Mr. Big Guy and I have been in a bit of a rut lately. Having a fussy baby is tiring and I am so wiped out by the end of the day that I am not interested in doing anything but sleep. My lack of sex drive hasn’t helped either. We talked about it though and we have a date night planned for this weekend so we can spend some couple time together. We definitely need it and I really am looking forward to it.

Things that used to be easy August 3, 2014

Having a baby makes things that used to be so simple much much more difficult…. Especially when said baby is in the midst of the separation anxiety stage.
Here is my list:
1. Using the bathroom
2. Having a good old fashioned Sunday morning sleep in
3. Cleaning
4. Showering
5. Cooking meals
6. Walking the dog (think baby, stroller, dog leash, poop bags, squirrels lol)
7. Grocery shopping
8. Wearing my hair any other way than a ponytail
9. Laundry
10. Impromptu anything!
11. Having a nap
12. Finding time to blog

Obviously I knew things would drastically change with a new baby around and I am not complaining. I am still struggling to find a way to get even the most mundane daily tasks done though. Sure everyone tells me just to let the house work go but when I find that I have no clean coffee cups or underwear I think I need to find a way to get stuff done and keep baby from her epic meltdowns. Unfortunately I don’t have any family members to help me out during the day as everyone works full time hours. I’ve tried to babywear but P just wiggles and squirms and cries in every carrier I have tried. One handed cleaning and cooking is difficult! I’m pretty sure I’ve started to develop carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist from hip carrying her around most of the day. I do manage to get some things started during her naps but since they are so unpredictable in length I usually get things 25% done and then they sit for days before I get back to them… I left washed clothes in the washer for 3 days because I forgot about them until a rank smell started coming from the laundry room!

Anyone have any tips on how they have managed to get some housework done with a baby who doesn’t like to sit and play and entertain themselves for more than 5 minutes?

Nom Nom Nom July 23, 2014

How about a double post on Wednesdays once a month? One long update and one picture. Seems to be what I am doing now but not purposely. I really do want to post more often but for now, here’s a glimpse of our foray into solids.

Where does the time go?

Apparently I have a hard time posting even a wordless blog once a week. I find that now we are getting some what regular morning and afternoon naps I’m using the time to run around like a mad woman tidying and organizing our home. We have been in one state of disorganization or another since we brought P home from the hospital and I just can’t stand it. Of course when I have opened the blog to attempt a post P wakes up (fingers crossed I didn’t just jinx myself).

Since my last post P had her half birthday and her 7 month birthday and she is developing at rapid speed now. She is eating food like a champ. She loves everything I have made for her so far and insists on feeding herself which is incredibly messy but so freakin cute. She is not crawling yet but makes hilarious attempts where she lays on her belly and kicks her legs and does breast stroke motions with her arms. She hasn’t figured out how to get up on her knees yet so she just rolls around until she gets to where she wants to be. She loves to stand up now but can’t do it on her own yet. If you let her grab your hands she immediately pushes up into standing. I’m sure it won’t be too long until we find her standing in her crib one morning. She has also started to make more noises when she “talks”. She loves to yell ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh at her toys and she has started to make mmmmmmm and bbbbb sounds too.

Mr. Big Guy had 3 weeks vacation at the end of June/early July which was amazing! We did so many different family adventures it was sad then he had to return to work. We spent a week at our family cottage and P did great there. The car ride there was a bit trying because the traffic was bad and we had to detour due to a fatal car crash so P started to get restless and cried about 2 hours into what turned out to be a 4.5 hour drive rather than 3. She did amazing on the ride home though. She slept in her pack n play while there and aside from the first night she slept through every night! We took her swimming in the lake and she loved it. The water is not exactly warm like a pool and all the other kids in our family cried when put in the lake as babies. We also went to a zoo, a beach, had picnics in a park, visited some friends and went outlet shopping on our vacation. It was great!

In the last 2 months I’ve had the joy of my period returning. It caught me by surprise at a poolside play date and I had to borrow supplies from my friend. I know some Infertility survivors would welcome the return of their period but since I have always had a fairly regular period I was disappointed that it returned already but I guess a 15 month hiatus was a good run. The first one was super heavy and the second one is currently shaping up to be just as heavy and annoying as well. It might seem silly to worry about birth control considering it took 3 years and IVF to get pregnant but I am no where near ready to have another baby (if i even want another and if we could even make it happen naturally) so I have told Mr. Big Guy he can’t come anywhere near me unless he has wrapped it up since I’m not back on the pill.

oh, there’s P “talking” to her mobile friends so I better just post this now or it will be another 2 months before I manage to write anything.

Wordless Wednesday June 18, 2014

I’ve always liked the idea of just a picture post but never really got around to posting any pictures. Since I’m finding it really hard to blog even semi regularly these days maybe I’ll try to do some wordless Wednesday posts. This post is not really wordless but I’m going to post a picture anyways.

While we are not soccer/football fans P’s great Opa and Oma are… and yes they are Dutch so they could not resist buying her the adorable onsie. Go Netherlands Go!

Blogging with a baby is hard June 11, 2014

I realized it’s going on two months since I have made a blog entry and I’m totally blaming the baby. Finding time to blog with a baby who usually doesn’t nap well and is not content to sit and play unassisted is damn near impossible. So many things have happened in the last 6 weeks I doubt I will remember all of them.

We made it through the 4 month sleep regression relatively unscathed. Three weeks of waking usually 3 times a night was slowly breaking me though because at the same time she started waking up at 6am EVERY DAY. I was feeling very much like a zombie mom again but then as soon as the wake ups started they stopped. She still has nights that she might wake up once and she is still waking up so freakin early but my body has adjusted and I am used to waking with the birds now. This is a big adjustment for me because I am so not a morning person. My Keurig is working over time these days.

I wanted to make a separate post about the week I was a single mom but I just could not find the time so I’m just going to talk about it now. Mr. Big Guy went away on a fishing trip for a week with his uncle who he really considers his father. They go away once every year in the spring or fall. When I was pregnant Mr. Big Guy asked if it would be okay to go and I said sure thinking that by 5 months old our baby would be a breeze to take care of alone for a week. Little did I know what a challenging kid P would be. We survived the week and I didn’t even need to ask for any help from any grandparents. We actually had a fairly good week. I had decided ahead of time that I would work on getting P to nap in her crib rather than her stroller during our alone time and that I would stay at home every day if necessary to be consistent. I am happy to report that naps now happen in her crib every day unless we are out running errands etc. During my week of single parenting P started to randomly nap longer than the typical 30 minutes. Some days she will nap for 1-2 hours twice a day and other days she will nap for 45 minutes 3 times. It is not consistent when the longer naps happen though but I will take the nice break when I can. I did no nap training to extend her naps but I did start to put her down awake at nap times and she did cry in the beginning and still does some days but never more than about 10 minutes or so. I think she is just naturally falling into a nap schedule finally! Let’s hope it sticks!  Even though we had a good week along together I was exhausted by the time Mr. Big Guy came home. I have no idea how single mothers/fathers do it 24/7! 

What else has happened lately? P is sitting up on her own pretty much. I have to sit near her or surround her with pillows still as she still has a tendency to topple over every once in a while.  She has really found her voice just in the last few days. She is squealing and babbling a lot… Especially at daddy. We have yet to hear a true belly laugh from her though. She is super curious about food and stares at us when we eat and tries to grab at our food. I haven’t stared solids yet but am researching baby-led weaning and plan to start within the next week. She slept in another boys bed already!!! We had a play date and she was cranky so she napped in my friend’s sons crib without a problem.  She is rolling over and just this week has started to do it in her sleep but gets stuck on her belly and wakes up crying and then I have to resettle her or sometimes even feed her to settle her. She knows how to roll both ways but seems to forget how to go from belly to back in the night. It’s super frustrating when she wakes up because of this because she is so upset it takes a while for her to calm down.  She has found her feet and is constantly grabbing them and shoving them in her mouth. It’s adorable… Except at diaper change time. 

My first Mother’s Day was uneventful. Mr. Big guy worked all day so there was no pampering but I did get a gift. Gift certificate
for the spa that I can’t wait to use. I spent the afternoon with my mother visiting my grandmother in the nursing home and it was a beautiful day so we all sat outside. P makes my grandmothers day every time we visit so it was a nice thing to do on Mother’s Day for my gram. 

Im sure I’m missing a ton of things but it’s late and miss P will be awake early as usual so I need to get to bed. I’m going to try to post more than once a month going forward…..