Chronicles of the Conceptionally Challenged

Just another long and winding road to motherhood…hopefully

Back again… September 22, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 3:33 pm

Its been 2.5 years since I last posted anything here. I am not even sure what prompted me to visit my blog again to be honest.  A lot has happened in 2.5 yrs….. a  new job, P started kindergarten, my BFF moved 3 hours away, house Renos , family vacations and another loss.

Almost a year after my early miscarriage I found myself surprisingly pregnant naturally again.  We were cautiously excited for 3 days but then I had some really painful cramping and the next day the bleeding started. It was a holiday weekend so we ended up in the ER where I tested really positive for pregnancy but they could not locate a pregnancy in my uterus. They sent me home with orders to come back in 2 days for repeat ultrasound  to see if they could see anything in my uterus then. 1 day later I was in excruciating pain on my right side and the bleeding was still there. Back to the hospital I went where I stayed for 3 days of monitoring . My pregnancy was ectopic and any of the cautious happiness we had quickly fell away to sadness and concern for my health.  I ended up in emergency surgery because my Fallopian tube had burst, I was bleeding internally and the tube had to be removed along with the fetus.

We are approaching the end of our agreed upon timeframe to try and conceive on our own before the husband goes for  a V. He’s turning 40 in a little over a month and I’m now considered “high risk” since I am over 35 years old now.  We decided that we didn’t want to be having babies in our 40s.  I am not sure how I feel about ending this stage of our life yet.





1 in 4. March 24, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 11:43 pm

It has been more than a year since I have posted or even really visited this blog but here I am now because I need to vent, to speak out, to write down my emotions.  Here I am. 1 in 4.  I am a new statistic. I am no longer just part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility. I am now part of the 1 in 4 women who experience pregnancy loss. I am shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time. I never in a million years thought I would become 1 in 4. Not because I don’t know how common miscarriages are but because I never thought I would conceive naturally. However, by some fluke, twist of fate, cruel joke I got pregnant naturally. On the same day I found out I was pregnant was the same day I found out I was miscarrying. Cruel joke right?  I had been having some unusual breakthrough bleeding since 2 days after my period ended in February and after 8 days of light bleeding/spotting I decided to call my doctor to find out what was going on but I couldn’t get an appointment for another week. The bleeding continued and I was worried that maybe I had a polyp or fibroids or cysts that burst and that I would need some kind of surgery to stop the bleeding. It didn’t even once cross my mind that I might be pregnant. My doctor sent me for a full blood work up and an ultrasound. Imagine my surprise when she called me the very next morning after my blood work to tell me that my beta HCG level was 27 indicating that I was pregnant but because it was pretty low she was concerned that I was miscarrying. I didn’t even know what to say. I was totally shocked.Because of all the bleeding the husband and I had sex ONCE since my last period in February… is it possible that after 6 years of struggling to get pregnant on our own we manage to get pregnant in a month were I am randomly bleeding and we have sex once.  Right away I bought a dollar store test that immediately showed positive but I was still bleeding and it was starting to get heavier. The next day the bleeding got really bad and I had minor cramping and I passed a few clots and that is when I was certain that it was over.  My HCG level 6 days later was down to 21 so I have to keep going for blood work weekly until it is back down to 0. I am still bleeding today. It is slowing down but my body hurts. I just ache, especially my hips and legs. I am sure it has to do with the miscarriage. Even though I was only 4 weeks pregnant there has been a lot of blood.  

I am really struggling with my emotions about it all. I didn’t even get a minute to be happy about being pregnant. I know that I am sad. I am also angry. I am angry because now my head is spinning about the fact that we were able to get pregnant on our own and the possibility of it happening again is clouding my brain.  I am thinking about ovulation tests and cycle charting……although I swore I would never get that intense with trying to get pregnant again. We decided we wouldn’t try to prevent it but we wouldn’t seek out fertility treatment again.  I don’t really know how to process everything right now.

All I know is that I am now 1 in 4.


We made to ONE year December 29, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 11:08 pm
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On December 20th @10:23pm my baby girl officially turned 1 year old. To say we have been busy in the last week is an understatement! We had a big party for the birthday girl with family and friends on her birthday. The theme was penguins and the colour scheme was all shades of purple. It was a big hit and P was spoiled rotten. Unfortunately I have ZERO pictures of my own from the party as I was too busy entertaining guests and keeping the guest of honour happy….for those of you with an already turned one baby, you know what I mean.

As I reflect back on the first year of Ps life the best word I can come up with to describe it simply is: CHALLENGING. From IVF conception, to gestational diabetes, to 30 hours of labour, to months on end of colic to a general “spirited” (to put a positive spin on it) disposition, my first time as a mother has been really very challenging. I know they all say that being a parent is the hardest job in the world and I now know it really truly is. The challenges are continuing as we hit the First birthday milestone as well. P has been extra miserable the last few weeks. She is whiney and clingy and will not let me stand up let alone leave the room without her having a complete meltdown. We are currently in the midst of a brutal nap strike. She is refusing to nap at all (we have been on one nap for a few months now already) and will just stand and cry in her crib or sit and cry and eventually fall asleep sitting up and as you can imagine the sleeping doesn’t last long this way. The nap strike is going on two weeks now and it is driving me mental since she is clearly tired at nap time. Oh, she will nap ON ME if I sit in her rocking chair but we have never done that before. She has been napping in her crib for 6+ months now and I am not about to start a napping on me habit when I am going to back to work full time in 2 weeks.

She is also having some pretty bad separation anxiety lately and will not go to anyone else but her Daddy. She has had 3 half days at daycare as introduction days that have not gone well because of the separation anxiety. She basically cried all 3 days for almost the whole 3 hours. She starts full time in a week so hopefully after a week or so of going regularly all day she will adjust and end up loving it (fingers crossed). Christmas was also a challenge this year because Mr. Big Guy had to work night shift both xmas eve and xmas day so there was no one to pass P off to for a break for me but we made it through and had a pretty good time with my parents and sister and her family on christmas day. P enjoyed ripping the wrapping paper and pulling tissue out of bags and in typical one year old fashion wasn’t really interested in the actual present.

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned the Wonder Weeks in my blog but for those parents (especially first time parents) out their reading I am sure you know what I am talking about. If not, google it! There is a wonder week right around the first birthday and I am pretty sure this explains why P is extra miserable lately. That being said she is making leaps and bounds in her development right now as well. The biggest thing for her lately is that she is WALKING. Two days before her first birthday she took her first, second, third and fourth unassisted steps from Mommy to Daddy and ever since then she is walking further and further every day. She is understanding a lot more words as well although she has yet to really say a word with purpose. Mamamama and dadadada are part of her babbling repertoire but I don’t think she really says Mama or Dada on purpose yet. She is obsessed with taking things in and out of cupboards and drawers. At the end of the day my kitchen looks like a tornado hit it. There is always tupperware and pots and pans and pantry items strewn everywhere.

So we made it through year one. It wasn’t pretty but we made it and I am hoping as P becomes more of a little person and less of a baby things will get a bit easier. I love my little P more than I can express but wow am I glad the first year is over….on to year 2….it can’t be worse right???


11 Months and counting… November 21, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 2:30 pm

Baby P was 11 months old yesterday! I can’t believe how fast time is now flying by. In one month I will have a ONE year old. Two years ago I really never thought I would be able to say that. P has brought so much joy to our lives and many many challenges as well. I love her to bits even on the most challenging days ( today is one of those days). The poor thing has her first cold and is super cranky and won’t nap today. I have a few minutes of down time right now while she drinks a bottle.

I realize it has been two months since my last post so I will do what I did then and list the things that have happened in the last 60 days.

1. Cruising furniture and walking with her walker push toy like a champ.
2. 5 more teeth… 4 of those 5 in an 8 day window ( not fun for mommy and daddy)
3. saying dada although not entirely sure with purpose yet
4. Pointing at things she wants or where she wants to go
5. Waving hello and good bye to everyone
6. having her first cold 😦
7. dancing to music ( she particularly loves Shake It Off and All about that Bass and the songs on Bubble Guppies
8. Moving up to size 4 diapers after leaking 3 nights in a row

I am now in in full party planning mode for her first birthday, trying to get christmas shopping done and doing a countdown to my return to work (52 days eek!!).


Things just got interesting September 16, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 10:04 pm

We have entered the world of baby gates! Little P had a very busy week last week. In the span of 2 days she figured out how to crawl on her hands and knees (she had been army crawling for about a month) and her front 2 bottom teeth popped through. She is now working on pulling herself up on anything she can manage. She has mastered standing in her crib already and luckily we lowered the crib a few days before she managed to do it. So much has happened with her in the last 2 months I am just going to make a list.

1. Glorious 2 hour naps (not every day though)

2. Nap strikes (she refused her afternoon nap for a week straight and is now hit and miss)

3. Glorious sleep ins ( she has had some days of sleeping in past 8am!)

4. Dreaming/nightmares (she has been crying out in her sleep every night for the last few weeks 3-4 times between 8pm-12am and this makes it really really hard for mama to go to bed and sleep early)

5. Meeting her Auntie V for the first time (She is from NYC and one of my BFFs)

6. Her first boat ride with grandpa for his 60th birthday

7. Eating pasta and absolutely loving it

8. Lots and lots of new babbling sounds (i.e mamamamamama)

9. Being obsessed with shaking anything and everything especially things that make lots of noise



12. Having a daddy/daughter day while mom went to a beer festival with her friends

13. Pulling herself up on anything she can

14.  Loving to watch Wheel of Fortune (something about that colourful wheel spinning that she loves)

15. Many play dates with her boyfriends M and C

Little P is developing and changing so fast now that I know we will be celebrating her first birthday before we know it! Now that she is crawling I have found it a bit easier to get some things done around the house. I can put her on the kitchen floor with some toys while I cook dinner or clean the dishes and she will happily play and crawl around. I do have to make sure she stays away from the dogs bowls though since she has already tried to eat some kibble! I still can’t leave her sight though or she immediately goes into meltdown mode.

What else has been happening in my life lately? Not a whole lot. Mr. Big Guy and I have been in a bit of a rut lately. Having a fussy baby is tiring and I am so wiped out by the end of the day that I am not interested in doing anything but sleep. My lack of sex drive hasn’t helped either. We talked about it though and we have a date night planned for this weekend so we can spend some couple time together. We definitely need it and I really am looking forward to it.


Things that used to be easy August 3, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 12:05 pm

Having a baby makes things that used to be so simple much much more difficult…. Especially when said baby is in the midst of the separation anxiety stage.
Here is my list:
1. Using the bathroom
2. Having a good old fashioned Sunday morning sleep in
3. Cleaning
4. Showering
5. Cooking meals
6. Walking the dog (think baby, stroller, dog leash, poop bags, squirrels lol)
7. Grocery shopping
8. Wearing my hair any other way than a ponytail
9. Laundry
10. Impromptu anything!
11. Having a nap
12. Finding time to blog

Obviously I knew things would drastically change with a new baby around and I am not complaining. I am still struggling to find a way to get even the most mundane daily tasks done though. Sure everyone tells me just to let the house work go but when I find that I have no clean coffee cups or underwear I think I need to find a way to get stuff done and keep baby from her epic meltdowns. Unfortunately I don’t have any family members to help me out during the day as everyone works full time hours. I’ve tried to babywear but P just wiggles and squirms and cries in every carrier I have tried. One handed cleaning and cooking is difficult! I’m pretty sure I’ve started to develop carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist from hip carrying her around most of the day. I do manage to get some things started during her naps but since they are so unpredictable in length I usually get things 25% done and then they sit for days before I get back to them… I left washed clothes in the washer for 3 days because I forgot about them until a rank smell started coming from the laundry room!

Anyone have any tips on how they have managed to get some housework done with a baby who doesn’t like to sit and play and entertain themselves for more than 5 minutes?


Nom Nom Nom July 23, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — L squared @ 8:07 pm
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How about a double post on Wednesdays once a month? One long update and one picture. Seems to be what I am doing now but not purposely. I really do want to post more often but for now, here’s a glimpse of our foray into solids.



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