It has been more than a year since I have posted or even really visited this blog but here I am now because I need to vent, to speak out, to write down my emotions. Here I am. 1 in 4. I am a new statistic. I am no longer just part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility. I am now part of the 1 in 4 women who experience pregnancy loss. I am shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time. I never in a million years thought I would become 1 in 4. Not because I don’t know how common miscarriages are but because I never thought I would conceive naturally. However, by some fluke, twist of fate, cruel joke I got pregnant naturally. On the same day I found out I was pregnant was the same day I found out I was miscarrying. Cruel joke right? I had been having some unusual breakthrough bleeding since 2 days after my period ended in February and after 8 days of light bleeding/spotting I decided to call my doctor to find out what was going on but I couldn’t get an appointment for another week. The bleeding continued and I was worried that maybe I had a polyp or fibroids or cysts that burst and that I would need some kind of surgery to stop the bleeding. It didn’t even once cross my mind that I might be pregnant. My doctor sent me for a full blood work up and an ultrasound. Imagine my surprise when she called me the very next morning after my blood work to tell me that my beta HCG level was 27 indicating that I was pregnant but because it was pretty low she was concerned that I was miscarrying. I didn’t even know what to say. I was totally shocked.Because of all the bleeding the husband and I had sex ONCE since my last period in February…..how is it possible that after 6 years of struggling to get pregnant on our own we manage to get pregnant in a month were I am randomly bleeding and we have sex once. Right away I bought a dollar store test that immediately showed positive but I was still bleeding and it was starting to get heavier. The next day the bleeding got really bad and I had minor cramping and I passed a few clots and that is when I was certain that it was over. My HCG level 6 days later was down to 21 so I have to keep going for blood work weekly until it is back down to 0. I am still bleeding today. It is slowing down but my body hurts. I just ache, especially my hips and legs. I am sure it has to do with the miscarriage. Even though I was only 4 weeks pregnant there has been a lot of blood.
I am really struggling with my emotions about it all. I didn’t even get a minute to be happy about being pregnant. I know that I am sad. I am also angry. I am angry because now my head is spinning about the fact that we were able to get pregnant on our own and the possibility of it happening again is clouding my brain. I am thinking about ovulation tests and cycle charting……although I swore I would never get that intense with trying to get pregnant again. We decided we wouldn’t try to prevent it but we wouldn’t seek out fertility treatment again. I don’t really know how to process everything right now.
All I know is that I am now 1 in 4.